I was 21 when I became pregnant with my first child. I had been dating my husband for a total of 9 months before we found ourselves unexpectedly expecting. I was still very young and naive in the ways of the world. I lived at home with my parents and worked a full time job at a resort as a massage therapist. I was very happy with my life. The man I had been dating was wonderful. We were in love and had so much fun together. When we found out we were expecting, we made the decision to move in together. We got a cute little 2 bedroom apartment and my husband took a job at a lumber yard to make ends meet. It was a relatively easy pregnancy. I had plans of having a natural birth and breastfeeding my baby.
When it came time to deliver, I ended up with a c-section due to her being transverse. Even though things didn't go as planned, and I was disappointed, I was extremely excited and happy to be a mom. Those first few days were amazing... Thats when the darkness came... and that's all I remember for the next 6 months.
Seriously. I have no recollection of the first 6 months of my daughter's life. I remember briefly struggling with breastfeeding the first few days. A nurse from the hospital came to the house and helped with latch and asked me questions about how I was feeling. I remember crying and telling her I felt overwhelmed. She patted me on the shoulder and said it would all be "ok." She packed her things and I never saw her again. She left me alone with the baby. All alone. How could she? I needed help! Didn't she see that I didn't know what I was doing? I was new at this! I was alone all day with a baby. There should've been some sort of test I needed to pass in order to take care of her...
Nursing my daughter felt like razorblades to my nipples. I didn't have the energy to get dressed, or to cook dinner for my husband. My parents lived about 45 minutes away. I was afraid to ask my mom for help because she worked full time and I didn't want to bother her. I was a big girl, I could handle this.. right? I remember sobbing on and off those first few days.. and then nothing.... According to my husband, he returned home from work one day and I was upset because the baby wouldn't stop crying. He said that I told him I just wanted it all to be over and "I felt like throwing her out the window." How could I have said such a horrible thing about my daughter? I still don't remember ever saying those evil words. My husband decided after that to stay home with our daughter and have me go back to work. I missed everything. I missed her first smile, her first laugh. I missed her first time turning over and sitting up. I know I was there for these milestones. I know these memories may be hiding in the dark recesses of my mind. I hope one day they decide to surface and I'm flooded with amazing memories of my youngest growing into a beautiful baby...
I remember vaguely working at a day spa for a while and coming home to my husband and daughter at around 6 months, I remember things getting started to get a little better. I started to feel like myself again and got to enjoy the summer with her. She was such a happy girl. I remember feeling sad trying to remember the previous months. I couldn't. I had no recollection of anything. It felt as though I had slept through the first half of the year. I had been going through the motions but not really present. I was scared to see a doctor for fear that I'd have some serious condition like brain cancer.
At around 9 months of age, I found out I was pregnant again. Another relatively easy pregnancy. The day my son was born, I was pretty out of it. I had to have general anesthesia for this c-section because it was considered an "emergency" and they had trouble getting the epidural in. When I finally awoke, I remember being sick from the anesthesia and very "foggy." It broke my heart when I realized that every one of my family members got to hold my son before I did.
My son was severely jaundiced at birth. He had to be put in the billi-blanket for the duration of our stay in the hospital. For some reason I thought this was the end of the world. I was hysterical and crying because I thought there was a chance he wouldn't make it. The nurses had to calm me down on several occasions. Thankfully, I was aware enough to realize that I might be sinking into a deep depression yet again. At my postpartum visit, I had the doctor prescribe Zoloft for me. After about 6 weeks, I started to feel better. While I didn't have the memory loss that I did with my first birth, I was still quite depressed and very much needed the medication. I continued to take the medication for about 4 months and I felt like I didn't need it anymore and slowly weaned myself off under my doctors supervision.
Fast forward to my third pregnancy with my next son. I went to 42 weeks with him and ended up with yet another c-section due to a car accident in late pregnancy. I'm not sure what was different with this birth compared to my previous two other than I went to 42 weeks. I had no indication of feeling sad or depressed in any way after he was born. I had a happy postpartum and enjoyed every minute with my son.
I became pregnant with my fourth child in 2014. Had another uneventful pregnancy. When my daughter was born in December, I was able to have a gentle cesarean. We did delayed cord clamping and immediate skin to skin contact. Everything that could possibly help stave off postpartum depression. Being a doula, and placenta encapsulator, I opted to take my placenta home and create a tincture and freeze the rest for smoothies. This time I wasn't taking any chances. I knew I didn't want medication if at all possible. Around day 4 of being home with my daughter I started to feel weepy and sad. I began taking the placenta and felt immediately better. After about 4 weeks, I didn't need it anymore. I continue to feel great for the most part. I have an occasional bad day here and there and when I do, I have a few drops of my tincture and move on with my day.
When I tell people that I know what they are going through with postpartum depression, it's not an understatement. And while I sometimes think my clients think I'm a bit kookie with all of the placenta talk, it all comes from a place of love. I honestly believe in its power and benefits because they have worked so well for me.
Looking back, I believe I was suffering from not only postpartum depression, but postpartum psychosis. I had no idea about either one, and neither did my husband. He did the only thing he could think of at the time.. remove my daughter and I from a potentially dangerous situation. I think the postpartum period is so very important. A lot of people don't realize how scary it can be for first time moms. If PPD is affecting you, please don't hesitate to ask for help. Ask a family member, friend, doctor, doula, etc. Someone will be able to help you or get you to someone who can.
Out of the darkness, comes a light.. this was my story.
When it came time to deliver, I ended up with a c-section due to her being transverse. Even though things didn't go as planned, and I was disappointed, I was extremely excited and happy to be a mom. Those first few days were amazing... Thats when the darkness came... and that's all I remember for the next 6 months.
Seriously. I have no recollection of the first 6 months of my daughter's life. I remember briefly struggling with breastfeeding the first few days. A nurse from the hospital came to the house and helped with latch and asked me questions about how I was feeling. I remember crying and telling her I felt overwhelmed. She patted me on the shoulder and said it would all be "ok." She packed her things and I never saw her again. She left me alone with the baby. All alone. How could she? I needed help! Didn't she see that I didn't know what I was doing? I was new at this! I was alone all day with a baby. There should've been some sort of test I needed to pass in order to take care of her...
Nursing my daughter felt like razorblades to my nipples. I didn't have the energy to get dressed, or to cook dinner for my husband. My parents lived about 45 minutes away. I was afraid to ask my mom for help because she worked full time and I didn't want to bother her. I was a big girl, I could handle this.. right? I remember sobbing on and off those first few days.. and then nothing.... According to my husband, he returned home from work one day and I was upset because the baby wouldn't stop crying. He said that I told him I just wanted it all to be over and "I felt like throwing her out the window." How could I have said such a horrible thing about my daughter? I still don't remember ever saying those evil words. My husband decided after that to stay home with our daughter and have me go back to work. I missed everything. I missed her first smile, her first laugh. I missed her first time turning over and sitting up. I know I was there for these milestones. I know these memories may be hiding in the dark recesses of my mind. I hope one day they decide to surface and I'm flooded with amazing memories of my youngest growing into a beautiful baby...
I remember vaguely working at a day spa for a while and coming home to my husband and daughter at around 6 months, I remember things getting started to get a little better. I started to feel like myself again and got to enjoy the summer with her. She was such a happy girl. I remember feeling sad trying to remember the previous months. I couldn't. I had no recollection of anything. It felt as though I had slept through the first half of the year. I had been going through the motions but not really present. I was scared to see a doctor for fear that I'd have some serious condition like brain cancer.
At around 9 months of age, I found out I was pregnant again. Another relatively easy pregnancy. The day my son was born, I was pretty out of it. I had to have general anesthesia for this c-section because it was considered an "emergency" and they had trouble getting the epidural in. When I finally awoke, I remember being sick from the anesthesia and very "foggy." It broke my heart when I realized that every one of my family members got to hold my son before I did.
My son was severely jaundiced at birth. He had to be put in the billi-blanket for the duration of our stay in the hospital. For some reason I thought this was the end of the world. I was hysterical and crying because I thought there was a chance he wouldn't make it. The nurses had to calm me down on several occasions. Thankfully, I was aware enough to realize that I might be sinking into a deep depression yet again. At my postpartum visit, I had the doctor prescribe Zoloft for me. After about 6 weeks, I started to feel better. While I didn't have the memory loss that I did with my first birth, I was still quite depressed and very much needed the medication. I continued to take the medication for about 4 months and I felt like I didn't need it anymore and slowly weaned myself off under my doctors supervision.
Fast forward to my third pregnancy with my next son. I went to 42 weeks with him and ended up with yet another c-section due to a car accident in late pregnancy. I'm not sure what was different with this birth compared to my previous two other than I went to 42 weeks. I had no indication of feeling sad or depressed in any way after he was born. I had a happy postpartum and enjoyed every minute with my son.
I became pregnant with my fourth child in 2014. Had another uneventful pregnancy. When my daughter was born in December, I was able to have a gentle cesarean. We did delayed cord clamping and immediate skin to skin contact. Everything that could possibly help stave off postpartum depression. Being a doula, and placenta encapsulator, I opted to take my placenta home and create a tincture and freeze the rest for smoothies. This time I wasn't taking any chances. I knew I didn't want medication if at all possible. Around day 4 of being home with my daughter I started to feel weepy and sad. I began taking the placenta and felt immediately better. After about 4 weeks, I didn't need it anymore. I continue to feel great for the most part. I have an occasional bad day here and there and when I do, I have a few drops of my tincture and move on with my day.
When I tell people that I know what they are going through with postpartum depression, it's not an understatement. And while I sometimes think my clients think I'm a bit kookie with all of the placenta talk, it all comes from a place of love. I honestly believe in its power and benefits because they have worked so well for me.
Looking back, I believe I was suffering from not only postpartum depression, but postpartum psychosis. I had no idea about either one, and neither did my husband. He did the only thing he could think of at the time.. remove my daughter and I from a potentially dangerous situation. I think the postpartum period is so very important. A lot of people don't realize how scary it can be for first time moms. If PPD is affecting you, please don't hesitate to ask for help. Ask a family member, friend, doctor, doula, etc. Someone will be able to help you or get you to someone who can.
Out of the darkness, comes a light.. this was my story.
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